A Letter for You, or, Happy October 11th

Dear friends and family,

This message has been a long time coming.

The truth is, I haven't been very honest with some of you. While I've tried to be more upfront about everything in recent months, there are still a lot of things that I've kinda kept hidden from many people. I suppose most people have some kind of skeleton in their closet; but it will stay there and haunt you until someone opens the door and turns on the light and shows it for what it really is. So, keeping that in mind, I think it's time I turned on the light for good.

The first time, I probably wasn't entirely honest. Let me re-introduce myself.

My name is Jacob Swanson. I'm a 24-year-old male, born, raised, and currently living in West Michigan, the oldest of four children of two pretty incredible parents. I love singing classical music and show tunes, backpacking in the woods, drinking good coffee, playing whatever instrument I can get my hands on, and reading really good literature. I have a degree in English and a teaching license. I have strange fascinations with old buildings, interesting phonology, record covers, and all things Scandinavian. Most importantly, I'm a Christian who, while always struggling to believe truly and live rightly, has learned to love and trust in Jesus.

I also happen to be attracted to men.

What I'm Learning About Friendship, or, Long-Overdue Thoughts from Summer

Five months ago I wrote that I was leaving for camp soon, and I had the enlightened idea to blog weekly about my camp experiences.  I would be able to reflect on how things were going, practice writing for a public forum, and involve others in camp ministry.  It was a grand idea!

Since then, I have written once.  Oops.

Mostly, I think, I didn't write because I lacked the time.  But to some extent, I think I didn't write because I felt I had nothing to write about.  After getting home, people will invariably ask, "So, how'd your summer go?" and I have found myself more than once in the awkward position of not knowing how to answer them.  Was it a good summer?  I guess so.  Was it hard?  Yes.  Am I glad to be done with it?  To be honest, yes.  But how was my summer?  Gosh.  How do I begin?

It was an odd summer.  For the first time at camp, I was on leadership staff, which meant I had the added task of scheduling, training, organizing, communicating, and otherwise leading 12-ish support staff.  Not only was I a leader, but I was positively old.  Most of the staff this year were just out of high school; I, a year out of a five-year bachelor's degree, was practically ancient.  As such, I was supposed to be the wise old sage that knew everything and could solve every problem.

That's how it went in my brain, anyway.

Turns out I'm none of those things.  Not practically, anyway.  It's been a struggle teaching, too.  Teachers and supervisors and those sorts are supposed to know what to do all the time, and they're supposed to take initiative.  I'm bad at taking initiative because I'm usually not sure which initiative to take.  Leadership is hard and confusing.

But so is friendship.  See, I kind of expected to have some difficulty being in leadership.  I don't tend to be overly assertive, so it's always a bit of a challenge pretending to be.  Friendship, though, is something I do a lot more often, and I think I'm better at it than leadership.  Every once in a while I think about how many good friends I have and I'm a little surprised by it.  I think I probably just got lucky, honestly.

But it turns out that it's still confusing to me, and I still do it pretty badly sometimes.  I think it was the biggest thing I learned this summer, actually, which is a little disappointing, to be honest.  Other people came out of this summer having learned amazing things about how God loves them and how they can make a difference in children's lives and how God is still moving in amazing ways today.  I learned that I need to not suck at being a friend.