Where I Am Now, or, Why I Spend Most Nights at Home, or, Where Do I Go from Here?

I've been in a bit of a rough spot lately.  By that I mean that I haven't really felt at peace about where I am in life.  I know that some of that is simply because I graduated a year and a half ago and haven't yet landed anywhere in particular, and transition phases are always tricky.  No one likes to be in between things, because then questions like "What are you up to nowadays?" and "So, are you in school?" get really complicated, long-winded responses, which are tiring, and honestly, I'm never entirely sure what the answer is until I give it.  The conversation usually looks something like this:

So are you going to school?
"Well, no, I actually graduated a year ago."
Oh, so you have a job now?
"Oh, er, well, I'm substitute teaching."
Ah, so you're looking for a full-time position?
"Well, no, not really, see, I don't think I want to be a teacher anymore."
You mean you're not going to use your degree?
"Uh, nope, it doesn't look like it.  I might go back to school, though."
Oh.  Huh.  Alright.

Around then the conversation gets really awkward, because I'm not really sure what to classify myself as, and the person talking to me doesn't feel like they've gotten anywhere, and so we look at one another for a while until one of us makes up an excuse to leave.  If I'm at a social gathering with lots of people, I might replay this conversation several times, each one getting shorter and more tense until I just decide I don't really care that much about making friends, anyway.  Needless to say, I don't go out that often.

But it's been rough for other reasons, too.  I've found that after college, it's hard to make friends.  (It's no easier if you're not really sure what you should be doing with your life.  See above.)  I find myself at home most nights, and it's a bit of a shock going from school and camp, where I'm surrounded by community, to home, where I have to actually find things to do.  I've read more these last few months than ever before, probably, I've watched tons of movies and even some TV, I am constantly scrolling through facebook and I've gotten addicted to puzzle games.  I have lots of time, but most of it I spend alone.

And that has effects on everything else.  My spiritual life has been pretty rocky.  I don't find myself in the Bible or praying very often because, well, I just don't have any motivation to, even when I know I should.  I've found myself slipping into old habits and ways of thinking that I thought I had reasonably controlled.  And then I find myself getting really selfish.  I have lots of time, but I don't want to give it to people, or I get annoyed when they don't say the right things, or when they say something silly, or when they say anything at all, or when they look at me funny.  I think I'm getting pretty socially awkward, honestly.  People aren't supposed to be hermits, really, but I feel quite out of place anywhere I go.

Mostly, I just feel stuck in the mud, stagnant, without direction.  I don't say that to make anyone feel sorry for me, it's just the way it feels.  Over time I seem to be getting more deeply introspective, more into myself and my current spot than in getting out of myself and looking on, wherever that may be.  The more time I spend here, the more comfortable I get, though all the while the futility of staying here grows on me.  I know I'm not going anywhere.  I know I was made for more than this.

The trouble is, I can't for the life of me figure out what.

I have ideas.  I might go back to school.  Maybe I'll leave the country with friends.  Maybe I'll give the teaching thing another go.  But all of these are just thoughts, and I don't know if I have the gumption to turn them into movement.  I feel trapped here, waiting for some I-don't-know-what.

About here is where I should have a moral, something I've learned from all of this, but I'm not really sure what that is.  Perhaps this is just a season and I'm here for a reason, though I cannot begin to imagine the reason for being so stagnant, and maybe I'm struggling through some tension now to learn something, though it feels less like tension and more like an interminable amount of slack from all sides.  Except, maybe, from below, where I'm being anchored to the spot.  But right now, I have nothing.  No glimmer of wisdom, no direction, no "and this is what we've learned today."

I don't mean to be dramatic or fatalistic, but I think it's true that we won't always have something to say or a take-away from every situation.  This is one of those times that I'm not sure I have anything clever or profound to say.  I suppose all I can do is hang on in faith, do what I know I ought to do, as difficult as that is and as unsuccessful as I have been in the recent past, and look forward.

But... where is forward?